I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
i tried to get you to come inside, but you insisted on throwing up in the flowers "because they're pretty."
You were so drunk that you were trying to take pictures of a MILF at the park so you could send them to Adam, but you didn't want to "seem creepy," so you used taking pictures of her son as a cover. Needless to say, cops were called.
i just realized that fran drescher is the 90's version of a guidette.
this is a time for prayers...seriously
let us hold hands and pray.. sweet baby jesus please bring us some sweet sweet man loving this homecoming weekend to aid our lonely vaginas it has been a long couple of weeks amen.
His ass WILL be my cock's next vacation home.
I wish I had a dick so I could say shit like that.
Your life is one shit show away from being a lifetime movie.
How high is the bridge and how deep is the water and what are the chances I will get arrested
I have to remind myself to breathe. That hungover.
Are cops allowed to hit on you if they're in uniform?! Serious question.
I spent all the money my grandpa gave me for Christmas last night….solid start to 2015
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
Don't come back. They don't have pants.
Oh god.
God has nothing to do with this.
It's been a week I should not still be finding glitter in my pants.
Sorry I can't pick up... thought process is fine but too stoned to form words.
Randomize
