my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
this girl with a french braid down the center of her head won't stop talking about the benefits of the free market. i'm hungover, bloated and haven't slept for 4 days. shut up french braid girl, shut up.
I literally stabbed myself so I had a valid reason to get out of having sex with her
i'm so sad bro, I can't get any pussy. I'm so sad
the night got glorious when you tried to do an upside down keg stand with a near empty key and dropped it on your face
She just called to say she can support a full bottle of vodka between "the girls" now. I'm going over, don't try and stop me.
Just threw up in the waiting room. I can't believe I have to switch dermatologists again.
That reminds me of that one time you handcuffed me to a table leg while I was reaching for the vodka.
She danced with a broom while telling me I was "cool as shit" and she "wishes she could take a portion of my big ass and attach it to hers" then she passed out
I'm scared to see what happens if we keep winning like this. I don't think there enough livers for every one after the season is over.
michael burned off one of his eyebrows making a pizza so he had to shave off the other one to make it look even. it doesn't look right, but I'd still bang him.
You got me so high that I almost couldn't leave my house for a bar because there was nothing to lean against on the way there
Fuck you, I'm yelling at a mountain right now
Celebrated Veteran's Day by getting a Marine (who just got back from deployment in the middle east) drunk and laid for the first time in 6 months. #Murica
it's like he didn't even know what a vagina was
Randomize
