If I had a penis I would totaly hang shit off it. Like stretched out peach rings and fruit rollups.
I just threw up while getting a haircut. I'm never trying to accomplish stuff with a hangover again.
don't tell me I don't love her. i once slept with my girlfriends therapist, just to find out if she was cheating on me.
Its ok we found him,,, He is in the bathroom trying to write his life story on a roll of toilet paper.
just found a bag of Oreos in my purse labeled "emergency".
Apparently my type is "guy whose parents had unprotected sex on Halloween". Last week was my ex's, my FWB's, and the guy I'm seeing's birthdays.
those kids just got delivered to the party by the pizza guy
passed out in the hallway last night, now I'm sitting down in the shower, eating lukewarm canned soup out of Tupperware, listening to Carly rae jepsen.. I had a rough night.
Next time I feel awkward in a situation I'm going to just yell "free bird!!!!" Like some redneck at lynyrd skynyrd show
Apparently there was a black out and the security alarms went off except I was convinced it was the microwaves and made ben unplug them all then got really frustrated cos he wasnt doing it right
I told my boss that I'm in a slutty stage of my life right now and the chef overheard and slipped me his number. I might get laid tonight
And that was the night we had mind-blowing sex with the score from Raiders of the Lost Ark blaring on vinyl in the background...
MY WHOLE FAMLY IS TALKING ABOUT MY BUTT
WAIT I'M COMING I WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT TOO
Please don't tell me that blonde guys name is Matthew I won't be able to fuck a guy with my brothers name
I walked in and saw her crying and singing to her dog
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