if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
Let me tell you a story about the rise and fall of my self esteem
Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
We learned a valuable lesson from last night. You can, in fact, order bacon on a Big Mac.
mimosa in my stainless steel water bottle. going green is not that bad.
we couldnt tell if he was gay so we started working glee quotes into the conversation to see if he noticed.
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
This isnt meant to be as creepy as it sounds, but do you seriously want a lock of the hair I cut off?
It's almost like he dry humped the last remaining bit of good person out of me.
I'm in the middle no shirt white shorts humping the white dustbuster next to the guy shooting off the tazer infront of the two guys humping on the bicycle
Then you're three pancakes deep in regret.
I associate the Game of Thrones theme song with his dick now.
So was it everything you dreamed it would be
I puked.
Twice.
So is that a yes?
i dunno but you just looked at him said "youre making me really wet" and straight pissed your pants
I'm classy like audry Hepburn. Chugging wine out of the bottle on the way to the club. Shed do that. I know she would.
Randomize
