Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
i think guys can sense when i'm not wearing underwear
so i told my doctor my symptons and she just shook her head at me
my boobs just fell out on the dance floor. my wedding is totally beating your wedding
she refuses to pay for the plan b and so do i. it's the most dangerous game of chicken i've ever been involved in. but i have my pride.
Just made everyone at my party download the vuvuzela app for iPhone, the neighbors absolutely HATE us
i drunkenly decided i was going to take down all the male cheerleaders, gay or not. 1 down about 10 more to go.
she was eating donuts out of the garbage. enough said.
Nothing like playing hide and seek with a state patrol officer early in the morning to get your heart rate up.
The "don't have sex with him again" alerts you set on my phone just started going off.
Good. "Seriously, don't do it" should start in about five minutes.
There's a guy here who is improvising his own shadow dance on a table against the wall, in case you're wondering how my night is going
I just realized I haven't had a date or a potential possibility of a date in about a year. Then I realized I wanted to actually go on a date. But I'm sitting here getting high instead of being at a party. Life.
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
The last person that asked me out got pushed down an escalator
You drunkenly told one of the campus security guards that you liked his headset. In return he introduced himself, lit your cig, and told us that if anyone was giving us shit to call and ask for him... Best campus security ever.
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