genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
Did you know that when you swallow it's like 60 calories!?
That's okay, it's all protein anyway.
New. Vanessa hudgens nude pics
That text made me feel like i signed up for some awesome celeb nude pic reminder
Also, on a completely related note, just came up with an awesome business plan. You in?
failed my one goal of the day: wake up before 2 pm.
He always grinds on me and is like "This is awesome because we're both Catholic!"
It's not like I'm never gonna put out again. I'm a sure thing. I promise.
how many times have i told you.. they dont like when you laugh during sex
Can we please start going to the gym before I accidentally kill someone via explosive fat girl pants button accident
It took me half an hour to realize I didnt know them
For the first time in my 26 years of life, I'm washing jizz out of my ponytail.... High five yourself later.
He sent me a pic stitch collage of all the tit pics I had sexted him this month. It was so sweet!
IT'S LIKE LOOKING INTO GOD'S VAGINA!!!!
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
We found him sitting in the back of the club crying into a strippers lap. She told us he missed his pet frog and to come back later.
He's throwing Skittles into my cleavage and some are rebounding into my crouch.
Well he's scoring either way then.
Randomize
