I just wished the taco bell drive thru guy a happy cinco de mayo. Who says arizonians hate mexicans?
id like to know how you successfully locked me in your backseat last night
Hey couldn't find water bottle to put margs in whole bottle in purse gonna stop and get cups and ice from starbucks and burrito from una mas want a quesadilla
Yeah well tell that to drunk me. She seems to have no standards or gender preference.
Hung over and there is no way in the world I can make this mess look good today. Only solution is to stay drunk.
2 things: 1) can you get hep from toilet water? And 2) do you know where we can get a new skillet for cheap?
Please tell me those aren't related.
I made rice.
Dude. Stop sending me lines from Hungry Like the Wolf
Great. I will show up in your office wearing only oven mitts later today.
ok give me a pep talk, I want a hotdog but I'm too stoned to go make it
Mom is talking about dicks with her friends in the living room. I am 5 seconds away from scaling the bathroom window out of here.
I got a hand job after work. Remember those? From the 90s...
mate iv just woke up in the garden. either help me inside or bring out my vodka
I thought i was doing pretty well but I walked into my first class and everyone on my side of the room immediately asked how drunk and high I was
Never underestimate the power of titties
Honestly, this social distancing bullshit is giving me a good excuse for drinking alone.
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