A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
I left a cheeto on everyone's car trailing to the house i'm at, hanzel and gretel style.
it's like i can feel the ghost of his dick still inside me
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
there is mayo everywhere what the fuckkkk
After throwing up, the toothpaste tasted so good. Thank you for not letting me eat it.
The cops knocked on our door just to ask us if we were really having a no-pants party.
I chugged a beer while I was riding him and he told me it was the sexiest thing he has ever seen. this guy knows class when he sees it.
I just explained it as we hate everyone in the world more then we hate each other. Thus making us friends. Plus we drink...a lot
I think drinking is the foundation of our friendship
YOU NEED TO STOP BLOWING DUDES ON MY COUCH AT MY PARTIES
YOU NEED TO STOP PROVIDING TEQUILA AT YOUR PARTIES
it's my birthday, i should be around people i want to fuck
I'm definitely going to class still drunk right now and the freshman dressed as Hugh Heffner last night is texting me. I can't handle this.
It's the 3rd day of the year and I've already sucked two dicks. New year same ole me.
I wanna eat mushrooms and cuddle with a million dogs at once. I wanna know what heaven is like
The Adderall says yes, but my body says no.
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