this is the second time this summer that a girl has called me a ken dol
you shouldn't let them see you without your pants on
fyi, take the long route to the library. the "can i be your baby daddy?" homeless man migrated back for winter
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
Hey they cleaned all the blood out of the elevator. Also could you pick up some nachos?
OMG bikini contest at the bar. You can see this one chicks scar from her c-section and I'm pretty sure she is the best of the bunch.
Omg having my Grindr go off at the planned parenthood is just not okay
So your bra was hanging in the Christmas tree last night at some point I think
Well, my eyeball is red and the rest of my eye is black. Oh the joys of drinking with u. PS- I laid in a pile of sawdust. it was ok at the time.
I forgot drug dealers have families, too. Cheers to a sober, uncomfortable, slightly enraging Thanksgiving.
Well shit, I would've slept with him if I knew he was gonna be in the draft.
Chipotle farts are not good for seducing boys.
Well, he was my lawyer and now we get drunk and hook up.
That explains the way he looks at you.
So I think I've successful blown my foot off in a way that's going to make you call me an idiot.
on the bright side i found your panties and the lid to the nutella
And you tried to get me to have sex with you in our Harry potter closet lol
Randomize
