Bike broken, reschedule party till thursday:(
Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
i stole $50 bucks from my girlfriends purse to pay for my other girls abortion pill...shes gonna be pissed
I had a dream that I had 21 friend requests. it was the best day
so i havent checked yet but im almost positive that my left ass cheek is bruised. any idea what happened last night.
what the fuck man? i was JUST texting you the same thing. FUCK
i want to swaddle you in tequila
There was no way out of it, seeing as I left my photo ID right next to the vomit.
The night was going well until I found tufts of my hair in the freezer. Then I got nervous
Hey. Can you be so hung over that you get a rash?
she's sniffed three people's necks on the bus to see who the good smell was coming from...
she's gonna get diseases
Haha its fine we ask know it. He's still cool thought
Focus on the keyboard man. Focusssss
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
Opened the browser on my phone to a web search for midget birth rates per capita. A good night.
best way to lose double chin? blow jobs. I am fucking hurting.
Welp just ran into my high school history teacher while buying a pregnancy test...there goes my veil of innocence in this town.
Randomize
