I just walked by a ginger with a mullet. I repeat GINGER mullet. So help us God.
I just had to explain to the pharmacy cashier that the Plan B and thank you notes I was buying were not related.
Just farted in public and tried to sniff it all up before anyone noticed...do you think that actually works?
Dude, chad is laying across the room, violently, passionately, pornographicly eating something and I seriously think the 'some thing' is fighting back.
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
I'm considering offering a class on how to find good porn.
I snapchatted his face mid sex. Needless to say, I don't think I'll ever see him again.
I had a flashback of using my sock as a napkin after we got taco bell
honestly dont worry about it, its not the first time ive injured myself on a potted cactus during sexual relations with a woman
My face feels like a midget just gave birth to quintuplets
I texted him back and I am so nervous I may vomit up all of the soup I just ate.
The only reason you haven't shit yourself yet is because you don't like having fun.
I feel so accomplished. I've cleaned my room, done laundry, called those places, gotten jobs, and masturbated.
I'm so proud of you.
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
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