I've decided that I only have enough money to either eat or drink over the next month. I'm sure you know what choice I've made.
It's like having an annoying little brother who wants to have sex with you
I bet him anal if they won...the one time Detroit decides to win, it had to be this week
the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
NBC reported that a group almost has enough signatures to submit pole dancing as an Olympic sport in 2016...
God I fucking love America.
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
My entire summer has consisted of being too drunk for this shit, too sober for this shit, or too hungover for this shit.
not totally sure where im at but i think i've definitely woken up on this couch before. bong on the coffee table looks familiar. should be able to find my way home
I think my Halloween costume this year will be made entirely of pillows and I'll be Marshmellow girl or Kirby. That way I'm comfortable, warm, and if I fall over drunk I'm safe.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
I forgot to lock the bathroom door. He walked in, saw me on the toliet, nodded, and walked back out.
I saw the president of my women in business club at the bar last night...I was gonna thank her for teaching me the business skills to create my own fake to get in... then i decided not
If you think I'm not petty enough to drive to your house at 3 in the goddamn morning just to punch you, you underestimate me.
I can guarantee he will smoke me out and I won't feel bad about it because he gets to touch my butt.
I have peed in a lot of sinks
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