capris are just wrong
its like "what can i possible wear to make myself look short and fat? Oh I know!!"
it was almost as awkward as hearing my parents on friday nights in 2 in the morning starting, and than hearing at 2:01 my dad getting up and my mom going "i should have married a man"
I hate myself for saying your mom and I have the same friday nights.
don't worry... so do I
Nothing says Christmas like gin and tears.
Until you wake up with a Hustler club stripper in the next room whose nipple you were coerced to lick at Snake & Jake's after breaking up a fight between an Indian and a Filipino, I don't wanna hear about your weird.
Is YOLO really just a socially acceptable way to say you enjoy putting things up your nose?
Uh no. you let me handle it. trust me: I can paint the Mona Lisa in tints of bitch.
I wish my brain had a "congrats you just defeated the munchies" notification!
I don't know if I'm feeling really nervous right now or just extremely horny.
I told my grandmother all I want is a nice guy who likes to be tied up.
Because everytime she talks to you she goes in her room and plays Come Sail Away on repeat. Can't take this shit anymore Jake
Now everytime I sit on a toilet I think about having sex with him. Great.
I think drunk me is trying to kill me.
Pretty sure the delivery guy saw me taking a shit this morning
He was passed out, face in the toilet, so I just pissed on his head. Serves him right
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
Randomize
