Our Neighbors are trying to steal our ducks!
too bad you live with your parents still
non applicator tampons are so hard to put in when your drunk. i fingered myself for 10 minutes and forgot what i was trying to do.
I'm dreading the fact that when the dominoes guy comes, he will ask me if i placed an order under the name "high as shit".
the trick is not to think about where her tounge has been.
you kept saying "no santa, im not having sex with you. it's not your holiday".
I came so hard just now that I think I may have regenerated.
Guys with integrity exist just to rain on my slut parade.
i'm soo broke, the only trip i can afford for spring break is acid
Just promise me you wont die... or hook up with an old asian lady playing slots
Cant promise that last part. I won't die though
I am here to underwhelm you with my vagina
When you mimic motorboating Jennifer Love Hewitt, is it really that hard to understand why no one thinks you're straight?
Well, I found the missing blow... in my fucking suitcase... THIS MORNING. Yeah, I flew from FL to NY with blow in my suitcase yesterday.
I told you to check, dude
Yeah, AFTER I checked my bag and I was already sitting on a plane. Oh well. I figured worst case I'd do like 15 hours in county and I was totally prepared for that anyways. I always prepare for that when we hang out.
I need to stop getting so drunk at bowling
nothing like a long car ride to make you think of all the bad things you've done
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