Awww my brother is growing up soo fast!! He just gave me the, "I know you're high but I won't tell mom n dad" look!
Goose bottles do NOT make good bowling pins
I got really high with eric & scott.. they're discussing why words sound the way they do.. it's going to get messy
would it be subtle enough if I played birthday sex on repeat while I may or may not be stripping?
So if we break up over this are you still gonna come over and do my dishes?
then you said,"Take this damn cabbage!" although it was actually your shirt. i found you in the elevator of his building.
"drunk introduce yourself to everyone colleen" came out last night... you kept grabbing guys faces that you just met and just kept saying their names over and over and over again so you wouldn't forget.. then would see them 5 minutes later to introduce yourself again..
Do you know why I have a burn shaped like a tiny spork?
Taking advantage of alcohol's depressant capabilities to curtail my fever. SCIENCE!
I heard drunk is the new sober. I heard me say that. To a cop. Can you come get me??
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
I don't like pregnant me. I eat very large burritos, I don't like having sex and I can't even finish a Blue Moon.
They say find what you're good at... Evidently that's showing up late for everything, drinking, and eating cheese for me.
I was so high I forgot how to swallow food, and I just kept thinking "thank god its just mashed potatoes, they'll go down eventually"
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
Randomize
