There are thorn wounds on my balls, don't ever question my dedication to party again
thanks for singing to me while i puked last night
It wasn't really sex. It was just rolling around, trying to make sure his dick didn't end up in my ass.
I put the condom across her upper lip. It was like a mustache of a job well done.
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Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
As I type I'm climbing my cousins swingset so I can take a nap inside the slide. Fuck this hangover. I always win.
Why do I always miss the parties you're naked at?!
I get naked cuz your not there
At least I look tastefully trashed. My nipples are hidden and I'm standing up.
I know he'd never cheat on me. It'd be like choosing Mexican tap water over Patron.
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The girl in the stall next to me is puking her brains out, I'd say she had just a good a weekend as us
I gave her some alkaseltzer ad she looked at me lke I was god
I just want to be able to run around naked and eat grass with no judgments and have people feed me and expect me to sleep all the time.
This guy is selling weed on the train. Like... Straight up. No fucks given.
Son of a bitch took my liquid eyeliner
It's your birthday, you should get to jizz where you want to. Jizz when you want tooo
I just drunk texted the Italian guy and now I’m flooded with Shane. Uh, shame, not Shane. He sounds nice, though.
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