i now know how you feel when you have to walk me home. she ran into a streetlight and into garbage.
I will one day have loud vengeance sex as my revenge against you. Until then I'm just going to sit in the living room playing John Mayer while you're trying to do it.
I just randomly started counting the number of guys that I've hooked up with that are now gay. 11.
he seriously made his penis a facebook.
Why were you having sex on top of my left over pizza in the kitchen?
Weirdly I'm doing ok, but I've tested positive for chlamydia, I wanted to let you know
I should work for the FBI. Or planned parenthood.
That's quite a broad spectrum. What did you do?
I'm offering you baseball tickets and my vagina, isn't that enough?
Whiskey and an unstable home life is apparently the fountain that 20-something boys like to drink from.
Trust me. Drunk Scrabble is not a good idea. Arguments over the legitimacy of the word "Pickle" break out, things are said, friendships are ruined. It's ugly.
It feels like a bunch of leprechauns are using my brain as a soccer ball
I am a 5'4" ball of sexual frustration and vodka. It is that kind of night.
I want my tombstone to read "making poor life decisions since 1993"
You kept shouting about how you were the king of all bitches...and doors, for some reason.
I cant tell you how much harder a belt makes hoeing
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