i just uploaded three hundred pictures and you had your shirt off in two hundred and ninety of them
the remaining ten - you weren't in
is asking a girl out on a date while in another girls bed in poor taste?
You asked me to be the big spoon, when you passed out on the stairs
somehow, even strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA can't understand why he'd choose her over me
maybe it's because you talk to strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA
Successfully masturbated while balancing on an exercise ball. my greatest accomplishment?
Probably
I JUST FOUND AN INTERNATIONAL POLE DANCING CHAMPIONSHIP IN SPANISH
Just sent my cousin to buy me a new bra cause mine is zip tied to a bar in the middle of nowhere Iowa
My genitals don't want beer. They want to not feel like they wandered into a hornet's nest.
Naked chocolate chip pancake making. I just spilled mix all over the place. My boobs are covered in flour. This is not going well.
There's like a dolphin trainer convention here or something. I will parlay this trip to Vegas into riding Shamu if its the last thing I do.
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
I'm sending midget strippers dressed as bull fighters with mini bottles of 1800 to your house. Already made the call. Jer is going halves on it. Can't be stopped! Won't be stopped!
I ate breakfast with him. And by ate breakfast I mean we fucked on the kitchen table.
I made him cum so hard he couldn't play video games for like an hour. I've never been more proud of myself.
college girl with braces trying to flirt with you...time to go
Randomize
