Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
The more I sober up, the more sick I am/realize how weird dancing around a wine bottle was
Someone should've told Pope jumper lady and terrorist pants guy that the Worst of 2009 lists already went out....
I'm so proud of your ability to turn my Charlie horse last night into anal sex.
We were in the shower and he sat down an wouldn't do anything. I'm so glad he manscapes. It made washing his balls less awkward.
Apparently blowing a .28 for a cop and then kissing her on the mouth is technically assaulting a police officer. Who knew.
If by "in control" you mean him showing-up to work wasted, calling a customer a "fuckstick," and getting fired on the spot? Then yes, he is.
If you were a good friend you would take the nipple tassels off me before the ambulance comes.
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
I just had the best counseling appointment lets fucking rage
Mistakes were made. Hot mistakes that I want to make again. But tapping your employee is def a mistake. Esp in front of two other employees.
I knew it was going to be good when he took off my bra and I only realized 5 minutes later
Last night I went outside to our neighbors and asked them to put in money with me to get a hot tub for our patio. Niceeeee
That female nurse who took a selfie with my man parts well I was out of it just got fired and arrested... You know all she had to do was ask lol
I would throw a dart into the Olympic ceremony and fuck whoever it hit
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