the red head has a bf
just because there's a goalie doesn't mean u can't score
So thats when I found out ur supposed to put the penut butter on your balls not your dogs balls, feels alot better
You dont ever try to use your dick as a power washer to get bits of poop of the toilet bowl?
the people next to us in line are buying a 12 pack and a snuggie
just overheard a conversation that ended in "and that's what I learned in France" How could that not have been about sex
We didn't have a blender for the margaritas, so she tried to use the garbage disposal and wasted half a handle of my grandpa's good tequila.
Is it going to be one of those nights where I shouldn't wear my contacts so everyone looks more attractive?
Only thing worse than going to work with a hangover is going to work with a hangover then realizing that u don't have to work that day
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
I'm hoping that by this time next year we will be smoking some weed at a gay wedding, asking "Mitt who?"
The one with glasses said he was keeping my bra. He had me sign it before he left and he said he would be hanging it up in his bunker. I support our troops.
I woke up this morning with a sharpie tramp stamp. Pretty sure it's a picture of a squirrel.
So I wore a corset to school. Fuck laundry.
Apparently drunk me thought it was a good idea to buy $100 worth of band aids and stick them all over everything in the apartment.
like don't tell me my baby smooth vag offended you
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