Those strippers last night smelled great. It was the perfect mixture of vanilla and daddy issues.
This kind of poor decision making requires a real cup, not a mason jar.
lesson learned: don't narrate out loud about how a girl is giving you head while she's doing it
I'm going to start telling people I'm a sophomore so they stop asking me about college and what I want to do with my life
well let's see. after you forcefully shoved a half-eaten apple in my mouth, you ruined the pepsi by dumping an entire beer in there.
Just met another girl you fucked but this time in seattle. Your cock gets almost as much mileage as jet blue. Anaheim and seattle both say hi, figured you don't remember their names.
I just told a kid I was in a wheelchair because Santa shot me due to me being on the naughty list. You should have seen this little bastards face
Please come and rip my uterus out before it does it itself
Dude, for twins they have shockingly different blowjob styles.
STOP FUCKING MY SISTERS!!!!
I'm in your room because it's a safe space. Is it ok to pee in here?
Before we have sex for the first time I would like "eye of the tiger" to be playing to mentally prepare me for what I'm about to endure.
To show us how offended you were you took off the right foot of your pterodactyl suit and proceeded to attack us with it.
Dude, I'm thinking today is Single as Fuck Friday because that's how I'm feeling
I just bought two cartons of ice cream, 5 boxes of mac and cheese and a bridal magazine. Don't judge me.
That ass isn’t going to eat itself.
Randomize
