Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
Drunk wheelbarrow races might make the top 10 list of dumb shit weve done. Especially considering all the broken glass around...
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
He said hes taking shrooms and watching jurassic park so we're making a t-rex costume
we need ur ladder
Pretty sure I blacked out the last 48 hours, the last thing I remember is the 4 pm bar crawl on Thurs
Can you believe they're going to let me be a doctor?
I couldn't sleep so I drunk ellipticaled for an hour. Worst. Idea. Ever.
Totally just met the chick getting nailed in our lobby last night. Should I bring it up?
He just dragged himself across the floor on his back claiming to be "the swiffer" help
Ohhh,that's true. Babies are only fun when you're high. Otherwise, they're the worst kind of people.
When we were fucking he said and I quote "we're like a sex fajita"
Guess who just sucked off 1/5 of one direction?
I was trying to pee in the bushes and the person who lived in the house where the bushes were planted started knocking on the window to get me to stop peeing in their bushes
Some guy just ordered at Cosmo and 2 screwdrivers in the sky club at 8:30 am. I'm starting to feel a lot better about my alcoholism
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
Cmon. I wasn't that bad.
You stumbled ass first into the litter box, and everytime we tried to get you to move you said " if I fits. I sits."
Randomize
