So guy #2, the dancer, is programmed into my phone under the name H.uy. His number- 11 digits. I should have stopped drinking.
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
Can we please not be like these pathetic people in their thirties who only get drunk when they go see Sherrill Crow?
After walking in on us in the living room, he still insisted that he slept in my bed with me afterwards.
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
He just sent me a picture of me icing a cake with a butcher knife topless.
Should I tell her she gave me head in the kitchen while I was eating a cupcake or would that hurt her dignity too much?
I'm pretty sure I told everyone in the bar I hadn't had sex in five months. And then I offered everyone calamari.
No, man, we stole the housekeeper's key and we're just going room to room raiding mini fridges. Hurry
Logan has the vodka and snickers. We're making a run for it. Room 302
The night went downhill when he lit her purse on fire and tried putting it out with vodka
I'm pants less watching buffy the vampire slayer drinking rum. I'm not that hard to impress
Can you tell dad to stop liking and sharing porn on FB again?
There is a fake eye lash glued to one of my balls.
I'm gonna adopt her diet plan of secretly sleeping w a desperate ex... It combines excersise & loss of appetite due to guilt
Protip if he licks the back of your knee and you reflexively kick him your game of 'lick the lady' is over.
Randomize
