he asked me to eat out his asshole. after five minutes of uncomfortable staring i realized he was serious.
Tomorrow will not be complet unless someone eats me out. Just sayin
There was a picture of him proposing on the night stand and their dog watched, but I can't help myself, his dick is just so perfect.
Apparently my gaydar only works on americans. Frenchie capris has two topless chicks in our kitchen making him breakfast.
I mean, there was frosting being put on a tunafish sandwich. Pretty sure she knew we were high.
my roommate just showed up covered in dirt, drunk....with a whole ice cream cake that says "it's a girl".
at 6am he came into my room and kicked me in the stomach. when i finally got up he was passed out in my hallway and the bathtub water was running
Look if you're not going to be mine and take care of my needs, I'm going to fuck your sisters.
But life is now good. Well, not good, good would be not wearing the penis hat with the extended family of the boy I just cheated on, but as good as it's going to get today
Circle jerk is a real thing. It looks like five innocent virgins in a closet at my brother's bar mitzvah. Yeah, I walked in on that.
You gotta buy me dinner first. Or smoke me out. Both are equally chivalrous
call me with an emergency in 5 min. This chick has a strap on hangin behind the bathroom door.
WHAT HAS MY LIFE COME TO I'M MAKING A SCARF FOR A PENIS
Me too like the fact they didn't arrest me wants to send them an edible arrangement
On a brief change if topic, last night I dreamt I got shit faced with bill Nye the science guy and we went bar to bar and explained the science of alcohol to everyone who'd give us free drinks. We wore bow ties
Randomize
