Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
Is it possible to make a milkshake in a martini shaker or am I gonna need a blender?
FYI the landlord called and plumbers will be tearing up the bathroom tomorrow. Apparently the tub is leaking into the apt below us so be sure to pee in the shower today.
he ate me out on his front porch at dawn. i orgasmed when the sun began to rise. most romantic morning booty call ever.
Dude that girl I hooked up with Tuesday is in lecture. I told her I was from the Dominican visiting my cousin and was leaving the next day. Hiding under my hood and hangover.
You tried to fight everyone, so we kept having her take her shirt off. You were sufficiently distracted...
like every night i go out someone always suggests nipple hugs so that's why I always end up topless
"I'm pretty sure all our toasts were to Ben Afflecks penis last night."
Are there rules against fucking your ex's dealer?
I've officially slept through a hurricane, a tornado and had sex during an earthquake. I'm surviving.
If you're not my stylist, having sex with me, or agreeing to have sex with me don't fucking touch my hair.
So.. I was kinda upset i got the bad fuck out of the situation
Pretty sure that I just proved those labels that say "non-flammable" wrong. totally unrelated, We just made your futon fly with a shitload of fireworks
its hard to say precisely how it happened, but the next thing i knew i was on top of a mountain
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