I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
You do realize it's a Tuesday, right?
You do realize I stopped giving a fuck about calendars when I was 10, right? And besides, it could be the best Tuesday of your life.
you went around the entire night in your french maid costume dusting off the "cob webs" on everyone's crotch saying "you havent gotten any action in a while"
I was wondering why i got so many friend requests the next day...
when she said she was from California you started sobbing. You begged her not to melt your popsicle because you paid good money for it and you just wanted to eat it in peace.
I need to start giving them away because owning 20 dildos is never going to get me a boyfriend.
oh yea it is. i was not expecting to look at a snowbank and just see flying mushrooms
Our brains have an emergency blowjob override switch. You saw proof tonight.
I cnant read. Cheetos goen. Help. Grt Cheetos.
I found a playlist on my ipod with only one song on it: gold digger. confused, but not surprised.
Dude get here. I just re-invented nachos. For real though. They werent real before right now
it doesn't matter what you do now, you will forever be known as the girl who fell off the roof
nooooo! we need to brain storm. I need rebranding....what if I start always showing up with my cat or a wacky hat?
try again roofio
million dollar idea: razor dispensers in bar bathrooms. your welcome, girls who didn't think they were getting laid tonight.
U were so upset when the shower ruined ur nachos. I didn't kno what to do.
We left Waffle House and he took off running five miles down the road saying we were "training for the Olympics." And I mean, I couldn't leave him out there like that...
The last time I was on vacation the pandemic blew up. Can't wait to see how my vacation fucks up the world this time.
Randomize
