I think my grandma died before she was convinced I was straight
I puked in the cab and in my hair and he didnt even know
Just watched 1 guy 1 jar with my mom. Awkwardville...
Sex tip #67: Jizz in the eye is very near the equivalent to pepper spray. Not recommended for pleasure enhancement.
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
Well I let her practice her tattooing on me. This shaky dragon on my arm says Im getting laid.
Weird come down, just saw a woman on the train go to grab something and realised she had terrifying hands. They literally filled me with dread. I don't think I'm ok.
I think curling is the best thing to watch when you're baked.
I couldn't find a lighter, so I smoked a bowl with a birthday candle.
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
The struggle bus crashed, rolled down a mountain, and went on fire, and I was on it ugh.
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
That's pretty intense. There aren't many people I would pick over a burrito
I'm over here trying to figure out how to get shake shack delivered to my bed and Jamie is having a child
it was an ACCIDENT
it was a DICK
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