Dude, at this rate we're going to get arrested a second time tonight.
he designed a suit out of pillows to protect himself when he fell.
engineering majors are such efficient drunks.
Nothing on google about my condom issue. However, if you get a chance google: condom with teeth.
If this herpes test comes back negative I'm asking out the doctor.
Was awful. Wedding photos taken by a river with used syringes floating past. Had to ask the bride to put down a can of rum to have her photo taken.
He ripped off his shirt and tried to give me CPR. That damn bong.
I just took a shit with a lightsaber in my hand. Dreams fulfilled.
Dude. Her vagina is a blender.
I'm not saying I haven't been that drunk. I'm just saying I haven't been that drunk and then have cops buy me shots.
Your niece just basically announced she's a whore on FB so you should feel pretty good about officiating that wedding next month.
You were drunk enough to sled down a highway off ramp in your pajamas….
Next year for Halloween you can be the sword swallower, with a penis shaped sword.
I'm honestly just saving all my liver's power for when I die this weekend. that's how it works right
I’ve officially bought the ticket for my future dick appointment 😂
So. My mom went grocery shopping for me while I was at work & brought the food here. Cool bc my dildo was laying on the counter. Forgot I left it out. I am sure she saw. Im mortified.
Randomize
