Regardless, you never quit out of your interenet. You left your porn on the living room comp. Then you passed out four feet from the chair with your hand still down your pants. We decided that we should go back to her place instead. Worlds best wingman.
Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
i love that when i tell my kids and grandkids about how we first met it will be about this little thing called a "poke" on facebook
He was wearing a Knicks jersey I had to go home with him. it was a rough season.
I'm going to come in a little later this morning....there's no heterosexual way to say this....$1 flip flop sale at old navy
Ummm so does anybody remember me stopping to get my ear peirced last night and make an earring out of a staple? Or did I just somehow lay on this thing and ram it through my ear?
I was just handed jelly beans by a guy in a penguin costume. Standby for confirmation on if they are actually drugs.
we have to top last new years. except im not ready for jail. that can wait a couple years
At second job interview this week. Wearing pants to hide pole dancing bruises. This my life.
As I was throwing up blood I assured concerned onlookers that I had simply "eaten a lot of ketchup today"
My dad just accidentally taught me how to make fake IDs. I love my life.
We also had rum, but now that's all gone. Which I feel is appropriate for a pirate party.
That's the ultimate walk-of-shame: running away from your own apartment and hiding in a McDonald's.
It's a lot harder to work after sex than it is to work drunk... just saying.
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
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