We video chatted for almost two hours. But I woke up with puke on my keyboard. The question of the day: were we still chatting when I vommed? No idea.
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
you yelled that ur labia majora was swollen at 3 am in the dorm hallway
I went out in the middle of the night to smoke my weed.. Didn't realize my dad was sitting on the patio doing the exact same thing..
ill give you a picture of me naked for $5. im desperate.
I'm eating mac and cheese for dinner that way when I puke later it'll be festive halloween orange.
not sure if I should be concerned that my brother just stormed into my room and looked at me with a serious face and said, "I'm a peacock, you have to let me fly." oh, vicodin...
The spray paint was a bad idea, 'insert penis here' isn't coming off
Bro, did you watch that scooby doo porn I sent to you?
GLITTER SLIP N SLIDE MUTHAFUCKAH~
My father is flirting with a transexual server at hamburger mary's. We can never tell him.
I found them in the bathroom trying to wrap an American flag around Steve's dick. I didn't bother to ask questions.
Yeah we invited her back for chicken nugget sandwiches
THE SUPER HOT BARTENDER WHO LOOKS LIKE RYAN GOSLING JUST WALKED IN. BUT HE DOESNT EVEN WALK HE GLIDES. LIKE AN ANGEL.
Went on a blind date. Afterwards I ripped my pants off and said "it's game time". He was into it.
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