I'm cheating on the girl I'm cheating on my girlfriend with
After I saw you grinding on that guy with your shirt completely unbuttoned, I figured it was time for pizza.
as he pulled out he yelled "no kids!" and then passed out on top of me
Pretty sure that I got the MVP of wedding reception... woke up on the bench in the hallway of a hotel and we did NOT start the night there.
I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.
Text me back. Urgent. It is a porta Keep the portal alive.
Is this the acid talking?
I used his number to look up his customer information at work. He's no longer saved as Magic Penis in my phone.
I'm sorry I peed on myself in front of your boy toy. You should tell him I'm usually not that trashy. It was nice meeting him tho..
Thank you for listening to my rant about tacos.
Welcome to your 30’s, where every one night stand is most likely with someone’s father
stupid neighbors doing stupid yard work with their stupid kids when i want to do drugs in the backyard
Does it count as a threesome if your friend drunkenly has sex on top of you while you're passed out?
just licked whipped cream off some model's nipple... just coming clean for when the pic gets on instagram because i am not untagging that shit
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
I just volunteered myself to get tazed this should get interesting
Randomize
