I'm jammin out to some Brit Birt, she's still my bitch, I love her crazy ass
dude, boobs are like the porridge in goldylocks
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
She cried. My mom screams. And nut went everywhere. It was all around a bad situation.
You've eaten a Lean Pocket for every meal for at LEAST 3 days now. Get your life in line.
You should imdb "mourning wood" to see what I'm doing with my $80,000 English degree today
You know what, don't even answer. Just promise me you'll go to the Corner of Shame when you get home.
I used the hope and guess method to figure out who I slept with last night.
I'm doing running of the bulls tomorrow at 7am...except in New Orleans roller derby girls chase you.
That girl definitely just ate a hot dog and stared straight in to my eyes.
I'm going to sleep with this bank teller and I'm going to enjoy it, just try and stop me
And now to play every stoner's favorite game: Where the Fuck Did We Park the Car?! Disneyland Edition!
I'm eating taquitos in the bathtub at 5:30 am. What a great end to the night
I kind of really want to call off the engagement but I kind of need his mom's mashed potatoes on thanksgiving so I'm between a rock & a hard place here
I decided to do drugs in front of her because if anyone can handle the truth it's a ghost
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