She threw up everywhere and is crying about a fictional character who died on Grey's Anatomy
Jesus once told his disciples that its better to hang out with your best friend than give some douche bag a bj.
I miss the days of selfishly blowing a load in the condom without her knowing and acting all like "we shouldn't do this" so she would get dressed and leave.
He's the kind you'd bring home and you'd wake up and all your food would be half eaten on the kitchen floor and all your socks would be missing.
I come back upstairs and there he was sitting in a speedo. He handed me a blanket and said "let's cuddle" how is this real life?
Not even joking, someone broke into the house to watch porn. The cops are on the way.
This is the I'm sorry text for running around yelling don't shit on my rainbow, end up in the fetal position crying at 4 am in my car because someone shit on my rainbow
you and him went to the park at 2am to "catch a pigeon" and ACTUALLY CAME BACK WITH A PIGEON
okay we need to get tested.
no YOU need to get tested. I'm just going along for the ride.
and then I partied with my new dealers deaf pit bull. All around a good night I'd say...
how don't worse things happen to you?
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
How did I end up in some random dudes car?
Some guy came up to you and asked if you knew how to drive stick.
Hey I just woke up in the back of a pickup truck parked at taco bell... Can u come get me?
Sunburned by dick at the nude beach. Bad. She tried to blow me. But. I. Just. Can't. Saddest day of my life.
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
Randomize
