first time Ive ever had to stop sex to go pass out in the kitchen floor...
A freshman just woke up on our back pourch... He swears there was a party here last night but we didn't have one
I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
She wanted to watch a Baby Einstein DVD while we fucked. I'm pretty open minded but that felt a little creepy.
It's like my work doesn't even care about margarita mondays.
theres a turtle on the table. helping me eat my ramon noodles.
Dont tell her I prefer to have an aura of mystique surronding me and my penis.
Im going to hell in a hand basket. With a ribbon tied to my head. I'll be like a puppy for the devil.
Today is the day I die from a hangover. I love you, mom. Farewell.
I went to McDonald's this morning still half drunk with penises drawn all over my body, when my card was declined the cashier asked if I needed Jesus
I'm happy in my shell. My shell which consists of keeping guys in the friend zone and me masturbating...
i wore just an American flag as my costume-huge success. 20 people pledged allegiance to my ass including a senior frat boy at the keg. God bless America.
I just masturbated to the thought of him straight up talking to me. to us having a conversation. What the hell.
Officially locked in my status as an indifferent millennial by downloading Tinder.
He's gonna fuck me, then his girlfriend is going to come over and fuck me in front of him. And they're smoking me out. Happy birthday to ME
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