dude beer before liquor = i want to shoot myself in the face
well I can't set my house on fire every night
I wish i could clap on, clap off my penis
Glitter + Penis = Best. Idea. Ever.
Just so you know, coffee creamer+water does not = milk.
I think i accidentally made vodka pancakes
sorry can't. you know Saturday is the masturbating day for single sorority girls here.
Its not like i paid for sex. She was stuck there, we simply exchanged rides.
So hungover. I dropped my keys and leaning over seemed a terrible idea. Instead I took my shoe off in the middle of the street and use my toes to pick them up. Think I'm a genius.
Drunk enough that you donated $50 to taco bell, because they serve a great purpose.
Is it bad that I coached my cousins 6 year old boy to steal a 30 rack of keystone out of an unattended cooler at our family reunion, or was I just giving him a social head start in high school? I err on the side of awesome.
Good morning! So would you prefer me to show up kind of late or on time but looking like I got chewed up and spat out by an episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer?
Slept at my ex's best friends house while my ex was locked out and I walked by him sleeping in his car this am
I need to be put in a corner surrounded by pamphlets of stds and babies
I could tell my life story through kermit memes
Randomize
