why im i the only drunk person in the library?
Please come pick me up? I sleep walked to planned parenthood again.
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
Fell into a man hole last night. I've been bleeding since 11pm. Got kicked out of the bar for being bloody.
Had a speaker in class today. She asked whats the first question when you see someone pregnant. I said whos the father? She was looking for "is it a boy or a girl?"
I have bruises on my ass from her spurs. God bless Texas.
I have whiskey and jager. There's no telling what kind of monster will emerge
I don't remember much of last night. But I woke up with very apologetic texts from him this morning so apparently I didn't get laid. Which is stupid.
We don't watch enough power rangers
At first I was a little embarrassed for sharting, but then i realized it was a bachelor party, and I went balls to the wall
God, please protect all woman from micro-penises
All I want for my birthday to be fingered and eat pizza
Lets get drunk. But not too drunk that I can't work in the morning. But maybe drunk enough so we'll make out
With each thrust he'd whisper "like a ninja." Should I be flattered or appalled?
Legit hope my Trump humping Brother dies of this shit so I can stop pretending to still love him.
Randomize
