I envy your ability to put any word in front o the word beer and make drinking before 5 sound like a socially sanctioned event.
i'm having a wet tshirt contest with myself and yet i'm still losing
It was honestly like finding a clitoris in a haystack.
We went to his house and he brought a jar of pickles to bed. I think im in love.
GET THE DICK OUT OF YOUR MOUTH AND CHECK FACEBOOK.
you know, even black out drunk I can always remember the exact point where I should have stopped drinking.
There's two big trays of water in our freezer. I just hope they freeze by Saturday. for the ice luge.
its Wednesday...
they're reeeeeally big trays
halloween is the only time that anne boleyn, the joker, a cowgirl, and a mexican man complete with sombrero and poncho can all hit the same blunt
Woke up shivering behind the titty bar, With the worst leg cramps. I'm like a poster boy for responsibility.
He just got here and all he's wearing is a cloth over his penis.
I'll uninvite my mom
Next time I think buying tan-thru bikinis is a good idea, remind me of that time I passed out in one and burned the epic shit out of my pussy.
When was that?
Yesterday. Bring aloe. For my pussy.
We got a standing ovation as security was escorting us out of the ballpark, it was a proud moment
I'm 22 and I'm drinking hawaiian punch from a sippy cup. Everything is right in the world.
Why are my jeans soaking wet and smell like chlorine??
Bc u told a stranger in the hotel "I have sinned' and made him get into the hotel fountain and "baptize u". I've got a vid
He just sprayed AXE in his mouth to get rid of his bad breath... THAT DRUNK
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