woke up at my desk with a paper in front of me that says "people stranded on islands love having wet dreams" what the fuck happened last night
You leave a trail of fuck everywhere you go
i caught him jerking off, doing his SAT Prep. forever alone.
Just picture a dyson vacuum with razor blades. That's how it felt.
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Can you please tell him to stop calling me ma'am? I'm starting to remember what it's like to have self respect
he referred to his penis as the bashful dwarf from snow white
My Valentine's Day plans just drastically changed... My F buddy just ran into my gf...in my driveway.
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
And I just realized we will be at a strip club when the end of the world is supposed to happen. This is destiny
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Well we found Mark's missing underwear. They're pinned up on Mike's trophy wall.
There's nothing classy about a pregnant girl at a frat party...remember that.
I'm still drunk, my mom is throwing up, and there is a random Irish guy out getting our house breakfast right now. Wednesday's are my bitch.
If I ever say "I'm never drinking again" just hand me a bottle of jack. I'll snap out of it.
He also sent me nipple clamps because romance is NOT dead
Is that strawberry winking at me??
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