i got lost in a forest last night. this morning I realized the "forest" was just 6 trees on campus.
i just compared eating a chick out to "gargling a cheeto"
Shark Week may as well be Shark Weed.
Just got mistaken for a cardboard cutout ad in line at Taco Bell. New low?
Let's just be mature adults about last night and never speak of it again.
yeah. pants. i need to put pants on. i didn't do that last night. big mistake
Woke up with an epic boner today, the kind where you can spin books and shit on it. FYI: don't try spinning an encyclopedia
I ate a pepperoni off of someone's floor last night. We need to talk.
i told him i was allergic to semen. he pulled out an epipen.
Where are you? I hear fireworks and you've gone missing. I'm sure that is not coincidence.
Hey, ok if I kidnap you? I wanna test a theory.
She said it was unconventional for me to yell "Shazam!!" when I came inside her.
We told you to act sober so to prepare yourself you started doing squats and stretching then you slapped yourself and walked in
I just woke up on the floor with an empty handle in one hand and a piece of my ceiling in the other. #classy
Broken heels while double fisting margaritas, picking up shirtless, bloody men and escorting them out of harms way, the meltdown when I realized I can go without a bra bc my boobs shrunk, the morning vodka red bull you were forced to drink? Which one roped you in?
Randomize
