as for my dating sex life, no more regret sticks. Only pride wands from now on.
Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
girl in front of me at starbucks just ordered 7 shots of espresso in her latte. welcome to finals week
Maybe we should try and tone it down a notch. The neighbors changed the name of their wifi network to "i can hear you having sex".
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
and you will have a crown and it will be made of penises and all will bow before you and your glorious penis crown
There was a photo of his face glued to a lifesize Kim Kardashian cutout. By the end of the night he was doing shots out of medicine cups and making everybody hug it goodbye.
Me and this 7 year old almost finished a large pizza. And when I say me and this 7 year old I really mean me.
Seeing your one night stand on campus never gets less awkward. Why is Subway the only good place to eat?
Between the uncertainly of my bowels today, and the distance the bar is to my house, remember I am doing this for you and our mutual appreciation of alcoholism.
You told us that you don't have to wait in line at Taco Bell. Then, drove up to the window and grabbed someone else's food.
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
I'm giving random strangers at the bar sips of my fishbowl, then telling them I have Ebola. It's a fun night.
I fought a guy last night because he said "extra pulp orange juice is the best orange juice"
I woke up on a park bench with a nice homeless guy waking me up. I bought us Carl's Jr. Best birthday ever!
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