connan obrien reminds me of an asparagus spear
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
Aw lol. Sounds like my masturbation injury last year
You're a college freshman. Its your job to be pathetic. And drunk. But mostly pathetic
This guy in a neck brace is ordering bottle service at the strip club. Not sure whether to applaud his commitment or scorn his addiction. It's a draw.
IF HE CAN'T EVEN MAKE EYE CONTACT IN CLASS, I DOUBT THERE WILL BE OTHER FORMS OF CONTACT ON OUR FIRST NOT-A-DATE DATE
Oh my god I forgot there were Band-Aids on my nipples
So, seriously. How does it feel to know that you're riding a cock that was in kindergarten when you were going to prom?
Something bad happened. I'm just giving you some notice. So you can smoke some pot and hide all sharp items in the house.
It wasnt until i started dancing that i realized i pissed myself dude. I dont think shes gonna call me back.
I went out to have a smoke, and next thing I know, he's got me bent over a picnic table praying to deities I don't believe in. You should have been there.
Mom told me you snuck booze into a concert in a cheez its box...I have never been prouder to be related to you
You owe me beer. On another note, I made out with the ups guy at work today ....
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
Im drunk taking pregnancy tests with this really hot girl...i dont know what is happening
Randomize
