and when i put it inside her she yelled "welcome aboard!"
If the pens lose tonight I'm gonna drive to Detroit and burn 8 mile to the ground.
Actually I may do that regardless. Probably get my own holiday.
things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
I'm gonna keep this simple. I threw up in your pillow case. Sorry.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Remember when you tried to pay that stripper to cry on stage?
You know what I'm hearing? Blah, blah, blah, I have pneumonia, blah, blah, blah, I'm a quitter. COME OVER AND PUT YOUR PENIS INSIDE ME.
Accidentally hit on the same girl twice at the bar, she give me her number both times though so I think its cool.
We got hammered last night and I woke up this morning with texts from 'iron maiden chick.' wtf?
Dude I just saw a beer truck w taps in the side... It's like god heard my prayers and sent me a gift from heaven
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
I don't know if I'm more excited about getting chipotle or about getting laid
Power lunch with dad, pain pills and tequila shots. Dad does Monday hard.
Since I won't be making love with anyone on a bed of roses this year on Sunday I bought a Mustang to fill the gap
she stuffed her marc jacobs purse full of cereal
classy
don't think less of me for this, but i'm pretty sure he did a line off my boob last night.
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