So my roomate was sunbathing this morning on the porch with a sock covering his penis
Sounds like a really classy character....
He is classy. It was argyle.
I've come to the conclusion that the only reason I fucked him was because he reminded me of Seth Rogen.
Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.
tequila makes me forget i have legs
You guys need to get along, there is no need for a pissing contest...We're all fucking each others ex's.
bad news.. campus security walked me home last night and when i tried to tell them where i lived they assured me they knew where our house was.
Life Epiphany- I need to have children so I can be the drunk grandma at family functions. Its my destiny.
Was I asleep on the ride home?
Yea, then when I tried to hold your head up on a turn, you round house punched me in the face.
My mom sucked on that joint like a nipple and she was a fucking newborn
"YOU ALWAYS BEEN A HOE YOU ALWAYS GONE BE A HOE. THAT'S JUST THE WAY IT'S GONE BE." overheard at temple
Like did I tell you about the ex Amish guy? Because that was a mess
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
I don't think Buddha would recommend a sexscpade across Mexico
eating a weed cupcake with nutella on top at work. i AM a star!
You know when you're a kid and you play at the pool until you passed out? It was like that except instead of playing it was sex.
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