NEWSFLASH - my freind is drunk and admitted that he hates having sex with dogs. should i help him or let him be??
He also left me a wonderful voice mail..... and is now asking me where the planters peanut guy is.
You should probably go find him.
I told my new friends about my possible new chin. They said I should get my nose done first. Please tell me I'm pretty or something.
i wish that i had sketchier friends so that it would be easier to get drugs
I just used an app to identify a song that was playing in the background of a porno. May god bless your soul steve jobs.
We all have our weaknesses that drive us crazy. We happen to have one in common, 21 year olds. Your secrets safe. Touch his penis.
This is a pre-sorry for hitting on and then sleeping with you're ex
She makes walking on a treadmill look like a porno. I wish I could send over shots as an ice breaker.
That's effing brilliant. We should start a business.
I'm sorry and I love you. One day we're going to live in a whore mansion with our babies and make boys cry.
I got another blow job proposal last night. Skills.
sometimes it's just necessary to be your own gyno when you're too afraid to tell your mom about your real life
Last night you said you were going to stop drinking and then proceeded to dip cookies in your vodka.
Sadly that explains a lot.
Apparently she broke up w/ her bf like 3 weeks ago. She actually called me to be her bday hookup cause she's single now. Patience- the virtue that occasionally pays off.
After we had sex he told me it was a "goodbye gift". We haven't talked since.
Also send boobie pics with bobs burgers in background its the only way to get me off anymore
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
Randomize
