I don't understand how people can have that much vomit in them
The bubbles in my bathtub are singing to me in german....
The tent neighbors already set us on fire w an errant roach. How do you think Bonnaroo's going?!
i hooked up with some kid with a broken arm and he wouldnt even let me sign his cast
I don't have the urge to be a home-wrecker with these two. I think I've grown, don't you?
I'm afraid to text her because most of the time she just replies with "cockblock."
She said to bring taco sauce. Hoping that's a euphemism.
Why does She think it's her duty to welcome in freshman through the welcome mat that is her vagina
Is buying her a loofah for my house commitment like? I don't wanna give the wrong idea
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
Random thought: what if being devoured by animals was a death penalty option...and you got to choose the animal?
How was your night?
I spent a lot of money and drank a lot of booze. Also was part of a successful search party
OK... But I need to shower first because I'm covered in stuff I definitely shouldn't have slept in
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
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