so now that im really awake i see that my underwear are completely ripped down the side, my shorts are on backwards, i have to go get plan b....i call last night an epic fail or success depending on how catholic i am feeling
what's for breakfast?
Advil and throwup
Either I'm a lot drunker than I thought, or he has three dicks....
I think I'm gonna have to go with the first one...
Kayla got stiches in her face. Rode in an ambulance shotgun. Tried to steal a baby, thought it was mine
hungover waitressing a bar association event. im being judged by actual judges.
He's a psychology major, so instead of becoming a stripper, I'm just working out my daddy issues with him. And his cock. And spankings.
They're much more educational now btw. Don't judge.
Dude of course I want to. Your penis is beautiful.
Hey I can officially say I made out with a drug lord.
He is currently passed out on his toilet. Point day drinking.
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
I think I’ve reached sophomore-year-level of bad ideas
and you know that’s the highest possible level because it’s when I met you
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar
I don't think Buddha would recommend a sexscpade across Mexico
I'm disproportionately drunk. But I also spelled disproportionately right twice so maybe I'm not that drunk
I wanted to give everyone gifts as they left the house... So when your wondering where most of the christmas ornaments are I'm really sorry.
Randomize
