the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
you were cooking a hot pocket with a grill lighter what did you want me to do
Nothing like all your friends getting engaged to remind you how much fun sleeping around is.
I officially lit my glove on fire while lighting the bong. Winter needs to end.
I'm sorry I kept calling you a pussy... but to be fair, you were being a pussy.
I'm pretty sure I got a cavity today due to how many times I've puked hungover at work.
Woke up with your brother in my bed...where do you want me to return him?
You played Frank Sinatra today after we had sex. You moved way up in my literal book of men. Congrats.
Everyone heard you scream that I was to be naked, in your bed in 5 minutes. We were one hell of a shitshow spectacle
FRIENDS DON'T LET FRIENDS WASTE THE LAST ADDERALL.
I'll be honest, this year's Vegas trip will be nothing short of disappointing if there's no repeat of the angry ménage a trios in a closet.
Two days ago a random guy asked me to sign his forehead 'cause he wanted to have the name of the prettiest girl in the bar on him and never wash it. I just saw him and my signature still there...
she brought her phone charger to the bar this bitch is ready to drink
I was stuffing my face while buying a brownie and coffee and some kid I fucked came up behind me and said. Someone's hungry.
He heard our neighbor’s vibrator through the wall, knocked on her door and now they’re doing it
The blonde?!? That’s just unfair! His penis already has a fairy tale existence
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