who the fuck tagged pancake nipples on my profile picture?
it was funny though when you first woke up you pointed at my shoe and said i need my jacket and then put my shoe on your hand
So I made him an imaginary sandwich and told him that the day I didn't have to fake it, neither would he.
you handed me your bra at the bar and said 'hold my purse'
She's been divorced three times and use to raise cock fighters. Of course I'm interested in her
Just when you think you're never going to have sex again, BOOM you're naked in bed with a guatemalan
I swiped a lunchable and a gatorade from my one night stand's fridge, does it count as a date now since a meal was included?
First and foremost she's my friend, but she's also a mistake I make when I'm drunk
Why is it so hot and why are these the only pants in my life.
My fall semester strategy is to submit my papers with a nude selfie
You've got post-grad studies written all over you
Just go read my twitter... There's a play by play. It starts with a penis pump
Ps. I'm slapping the bag. It's an emergency.
I'd just like to take a moment now to apologize sincerely for getting drunk and making an as of myself at your Christmas party next week. I'm especially sorry for sleeping with your baby sister.
The reason why I poison my organs is so that you guys can't sell them.
I have decided that I would still fuck Harrison Ford even though he is old as fuck now. Do you think it would kill him?
Most likely. But I bet he'd do a bang up job of it before he died.
He absolutely would.
Randomize
