I just saw Sharon Stone's cootch in high def. I think I'll stay gay.
i think im having one of those erections lasting four or more hours
I don't think he's ever woke up with a paraplegic stripper sitting on his face before.
She just asked me if I was going to kiss her cat goodby too... This is why we don't stay till last call.
We are NOT roofying him just to get him to pass out so we can build a masive snow cock in his yard.
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
there is vomit in the pocket of my dress coat. i remember thinking "this is a weird place to puke" at some point in the evening, but i dont understand how i did this.
Just got back from the tanning beds. I'm a lobster. I fear for the safety of my nipples falling off.
I just stood still on a stair at the train station expecting it to go down automatically like an escalator... Today's going to be a good day
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
Yes but funny for a 45 year old hell bent on reliving her college days by giving body shots and hand jobs. Not necessarily in that order
I should not be this drunk in a place where a girl is wearing a princess dress
All my female reproductive organs were screaming HELL YES last night.
We aren't doing Shrooms tonight bc that would be friendship cheating on you
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
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