I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
I told my ex i loved him and then he sent me a picture of this girl laying on his bed.
I do regret it. But I can't unfuck her
and you tried to get a free burrito from Potbelly's
My RA tried to compliment my pong tables design after he confiscated it
she told me that she was curious about how cum tasted. of course i left you.
do you remember waking up from your blackout, kissing me ever so softly on the stomach, and saying "i love you bro. so much," then passing back out?
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
my momz letting me make the christmas card in photoshop
so that means christmas in space?
imma make our dead cats ghosts like obi wan kenobi
He just got here and all he's wearing is a cloth over his penis.
I'll uninvite my mom
Morning! Im using your rent money to snort percocet.
I'm sorry I called your mother a reasonably-priced receptacle.
Whose panties are you wearing on your head and why are you sending me pics of it?
Dear Douchebag, I would just like to formally issue this fuck you. You will be receiving a letter in the mail soon. With all of your stuff.
I should have known it wouldn’t work. Someone saved in her phone as “Subway Sex” called the week before the wedding
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