She rolled a blunt with one hand...and instantly I had a boner, I'm going to marry this girl.
He fucked my earring out of my ear. Of course he's coming over again.
They had an entire room dedicated to passed out people. It was like a dogpile of cross faded toddlers drooling on each other.
Come help me clean. I know we won't be getting our security deposit back...but I would like to move out with our dignity.
You were walking around with a baby carrier pretending your vodka was a baby. You tried to get pictures on santas lap
she's using the space heater to try to heat up a pop-tart...
French fry pizza
Are you brilliant or just really high?
Can't it be both?
Remind me again why sleeping with a coworker and his wife would be a terrible idea.
I didn't think about how painful the pumpkin seeds coming up the next morning would be. Oh well, I'm good at making pumpkin seeds and that's all that matters.
Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.
I think the old lady next to me at the bar just saw your pussy
Actually I more feel like I'm on a ship about to grab the holy grail off an island
The ship is me being high the holy grail is some profound idea I'm about to have
All my money is going towards making my vagina hairless
Worth it.
I'm going to be an 8 year old girl down there foreverrrr #fountainofyouth
So I'll be starting a scrapbook from all the mugshots of the guys I've slept with
There is no way entering a gas station bathroom memorializing an alien abduction in rural New Hampshire is a good idea.
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