I'm calling you out on twitter if you don't come over right now.
Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
I'll start drinking again when I know where I am
I mean, she is a dancer for the Suns. If I didnt fuck her that would just be bad team spirit.
Barack Obama mentioned plan B and suddenly this address seems a lot more personal
had my ear almost bitten off in foreplay. the sex gods do not like me.
I guess he was telling a totally normal story about being a lifeguard and I wouldn't stop screaming "THAT'S LUDICROUS" at random intervals.
Ok wear gym clothes just in case we feel like going shitfaced to the gym
For Valentine's Day I've purchased six lighters and I'm decorating them for him. I'm on a full ride to an art school and this is what I'm using my talents for. An intervention is needed. Please stop letting me date stoners.
The best, and by the best I mean the worst, was the 7 month along pregnant chick in the skin tight body suit.
There was a half eaten cheeseburger on my coffee table. Guess I made it to McDonald's.
What shitty, shitty thing could you possibly tell me that doesnt top the fact that i got hammered and showed everyone i could shit while running
I'm dressed in all sequins still at 9:30 in the morning and the worst part is that I actually still fit in in Vegas
I FLASHED A GUY AT MCDONALDS FOR A FREE BREAKFAST BURRITO. IT WORKED!
You made me take you back to Mcdonalds so you could yell at the guy for not giving you enough ketchup packets
I vaguely recall french fries...
You then proceeded to call your mom and tell her you weren't coming home because you were "tripping balls"
Sweet...
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