Betty ford says i'm here all night
he just asked if i would like him to change his diet so his jizz tastes better. keeper? i think so.
I can mark tailgating, going to the game and getting road head off my to do list today
he yelled 'rock me amadeus!' when he came
i love that song!
NOT THE POINT
Dude this stripper just dry humped the settings off my phone. She earned that dollar
We didn't have a blender for the margaritas, so she tried to use the garbage disposal and wasted half a handle of my grandpa's good tequila.
I'm covered in sharpie and the girl next to me just said something smells like fried food. Hint: it's me. Why am I in class?
Last night I had sex with one of the groomsmen I was in the wedding with. In a stairwell. 13 years my senior. Thinking I should retire from the bridesmaid gig.
Totally just drove past you riding your bike. I was like damn, that looks like a cute little hipster boy, and then I realized it was you and that I'd already banged you and it kinda made my day. I hope you're well. Come over soon?
Youll thank me when youre dead an dont have a cat eating your face
He accidentally opened the car door during sex and all the lights came on. Needless to say, that kid passing by who was walking his dog got scarred for life.
What I'm doing now is like me taking a bagel, dropping it butter side down, leaving it for six years, picking it back up, and trying to fuck it
It was great. Somehow, sleeping with her sister cured everything!
How did I get up here...did jesus lift me up
Soooo you're telling me you support us groom's men giving lap dances to willing patrons?
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