i can't wait to go to hell
yeah...all of my friends will be there for sure
If you're gonna cry pregnant again I'm not coming over.
I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
Liz and I are now offficially highest. OH, and your girlfriend may be a vampire. Heads up. SPARKLESSSSS
Put my glitter back.
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Do you think my bosses would frown upon Jameson with breakfast on this holiest of days?
I just remember making out with this kid's friend, washing blood off my hands and hearing the RA's were looking for me.
i'm going to invent a mini fridge that can hang from faucets so i don't have to get out of the bathtub anymore for a cold beer. its a million dollar idea
I thought I was invisible, then some guy flashed his high beams at me and I realized my lights weren't on...not invisible.
I think I'm going to go into my next therapy session with hot client with my fly down and when he tells me about it I'm going to say "how did that happen?!" and then porn music will start to play.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
Next think I knew I was pretty much using his penis as a microphone... No more playing Eminem during hookups
On a side note, my ex husband offered to buy me shrooms
He brought me another shot of rum, ice and my underwear when I woke up.
What a gentleman.
I KNOW, right?!
Woke up to find that I was cock blocked by no more than three people.
i solemnly vow to never stick my penis into crazy again
I give it a week.
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