A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
Hey bro, did you ever hear from the background investigator that i was supposed to bang?
I haven't seen any of my friends sober in months. We have classes together.
i tried to climb in the window in the limo because i wanted the driver to take me to get noodles. ive reached a new level of fat kid
When you passed out on the kitchen counter she brushed and flossed your teeth, then carried/dragged you to bed. Why aren't you married?
Also I have uncooked pasta. I was hoping that could get cooked at your place. Don't ask about the circumstances that I came into ownership of uncooked pasta
My face feels like its stuck between a ball sack and an asshole.
Considering that your "hello" was replaced with "Fuck yo couch," I'm not surprised that you have a black eye.
things I never thought I would say vol. 24 "Bagpipes just remind me that my relationship is over"
I totally almost forgot you fucked that guy. St. Patty's bar crawls always have a drawback.
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
his mom fetish really needs to stop. this is literally the 5th time i've come home from work and there's been some random skank and her kids in the living room.
did one of the kids use their poo like a crayon on the wall this time?
Sorry you saw me having sex with your brother on the beach
I either have food poisoning or I'm pregnant. Either way, I NEED JESUS!
Idk, apparently drinking five Four Loko's and trying to fight a mailbox constitutes disorderly conduct.
I Never thought my late 30s would end up with me getting eaten out on a desk in the managers office of a lululemon, but I guess being a franchise owner has its perks!
Randomize
