Never let Scott cook bacon and eggs at 2am while drunk. You should have seen the flames.
I took a shit in your bathtub. Nothings off limits
pouring popcorn down my shirt before we went to the bar was the best idea ever. it was delicious and convenient.
there is no amount of schooling that prepares you for when your morbidly obese 45 year old patient tells you she has her clit pierced.
You stole my camera, took a picture of yourself and said "that's beautiful, just as beautiful as our waitress".
Had sex and ran 2.8 miles all before 7:30am. This is going to be a very productive Monday.
Come make me food. I feel like if I go in the kitchen I will just get Gin.. and pass out in there.
I knew it was going to be good when he took off my bra and I only realized 5 minutes later
My dick pics could make it to the popular page on Instagram.
Dude you spoke to a girl about CRICKET. She MUST want sex
You are in a fancy European city. The best way to truly experience the city is through Tinder
Update: just imagined being dirty talked to in an Irish brogue and I think my vagina became a sentient being.
IF THE SUNS NOT EVEN OUT THEN WHY IS HIS DICK OUT WTF
And now Google thinks I have a hard hat fetish...maybe I do...
Fuck your bullshit loser kid and his gluten allergy.
Randomize
