You wouldn't stop asking the hibachi cook if his knife was a hattori hanzo
He's like the fucking Houdini of bras. Not only did I not feel him take it off I didn't find it until two days later.
A Bum and I jusst hugged. its not even 8 pm.
got delayed, meet you at the bar soon, found a shopping cart, i am now getting pushed to the bar by some guy that was peeing in the alley i found the cart in
whoever put homecoming and halloween on the same weekend owes me a new liver and a get out of jail free card.
When you see a guy in a wheelchair try to be cool and pop a wheelie, and then fall over backward and hit his head, is it funny or sad?
Oh yeah, found out i got it from my boyfriend's wife. Thanks though.
I think there's a problem with society when I'm shopping for lingerie and I think "man some of these would make kickass shirts"
Rigtt?!
I hope you get a lego stuck in your dickhole
The CEO is on this whole 'what do you do with your spare time?' kick. Umm... get drunk and have sex in bar parking lots.
I just dominated some guy while wearing your moms thong
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
The wedding is over. Operation sleep with my step-sister has officially begun
These girls next to us are doing shots called bath salts. Sadly this is the classiest bar I've been to since i moved to PA
Drunk twilight is the only twilight
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