mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
I'm driving in the middle of nowhere, and I just saw a stuffed Barney hanging from a noose on a tree. Maybe I should turn around.
Apparently i was peeing on things and marking my territory. I broke their light socket too. Needless to say im banned from their apartment.
despite contrary belief, getting peanut butter off your balls is not as easy as it sounds
I just called my cat a slut and she responded. Proudest moment ever.
well he is only 50 percent black.. but after last night i am 100 percent not going back
I just remembered you had me meet your law professor while I was wasted...how'd that go?
I keep telling myself last night was not real, not real, not real. Then I remember I can't move. This hangover is too fucking real.
There are six slides. In going to pee in five of them. You have to guess which one to go down. Agree?
Agreed.
We hit a golf ball off Brady's ass. His dignity flew away into the night.
I agree though, his intact virginity is truly the tragedy of the century.
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
I fell asleep in the bathroom during my mothers dinner party with no pants on. Her friend walked In. I was told to not come back.
What the fuck i just wanna eat my froot loops and sext in peace. Y'all motherfuckers gotta be loud as shit and break my concentration
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
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