Just incase you were wondering, the count of ladies who have perioded on chairs at our fine restaurant is now at 3.
just got waxed at a place I havent been to in a while
woman didnt remember me then in the middle of waxing she announced that she just didnt recognize my face
things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
I just googled "buy xanax online". What is wrong with my life?
Dude I thought this was going to suck, but moving back in with my dad is like being at a frat party every night only everyone is 40 years old.
If i apologize for punching you in the liver repeatedly will you explain where the grass stains on my shoulders came from?
currently waiting for her to check in on Facebook, the second she does I'm there. someone is getting laid tonight
I'm not stalking, she is pretty much begging me to come find her if she checks in
Can we discuss your tits for a sec? That melon patch sprung up over night
I have poison ivy on my dick
WHAT
I'm scared because his knowledge of star trek is turning me on
someone commented on last weekends photos impressed that so many homeless people wanted to take pictures with us. weird that those "homeless people" are our friends... right?
He totally fucked me in his Chewbacca socks
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
so i fell out of a tree on the ave last night. someone told me there was alcohol at the top. bastards.
Get over your kidney infection all ready. You have been sober for too long.
Randomize
