The things that come out of my body both amaze and disturb me.
i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
This got awkward about two "Oh yeah"s ago.
He snuck into some random hotel's continental breakfast at 3 AM and then passed out on a bench in the lobby. When the cops found him they made him empty out his pockets. No phone, no ID just muffins.
I walked in on him shirtless licking the mirror while talking to his reflection. So yes, I definitely want to do shrooms the next time you get them.
She carries her pencils in a crown royal bag... Need I say more?
I told him the truth. Truth leads to vodka. Vodka leads to tequila. Tequila leads to prison.
The bruises are from paintball. The money is from me being awesome
He had a shameless baby voice when he was talking to my dog. There's no way I'm making it through the night with my clothes on.
I can already see the regret in her eyes. Amazing night. This city rules.
Classic dick move. Breaking up your buddies 3-some by coming into his room and doing the Harlem Shake.
Just sucked some sandy dick on a boardwalk & now I'm at a family reunion hbu
Some crack addled fool from the sketch ass motel behind the restaurant just gave me a flyer for an AA group when I was on my smoke break. I don't do mornings
I just puked on a sprinkler…Motherfucker tried to spray me
Just letting you know that your little sister is now your eskimo brother. You can send a thank you edible arrangement to Tammy.
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